A weekly feast of celebrity diets with a side of fitness trends

Archive for February, 2012

De-Puff Your Stuff

Pop goes the weasel!

Wait, what does that even mean? It’s kind of graphic if you really think about it.

Okay, but really, have any of you ever felt like you could pop like that weasel? Ahem, Thanksgiving… Christmas… Thursday?

(I think I am retaining a lake)

I’m talking about feeling as if helium was pumped into your stomach like a cheap balloon. 

We’re lucky though, because we can walk around with record-breaking 1800 pound pumpkins in our stomachs (oh thank you all-you-can-eat buffets), and no one, except maybe our mother or significant other, would flinch at the sight of our “pregnancy”.

(Check out my sister and me after one of our huge sushi binges! I’m on the left.)

Celebrities on the other hand are constantly being raped by cameras from all angles causing headlines of innumerable rag mags to scream: PREGNANT WITH QUADRUPLETS!

(Whacha hiding under there Scarlett?!?! Are you picking up a PREGNANCY TEST or… Pepto-Bismol?)

If celebrities took certain deflating approaches, those “gossip gazettes” would most likely file for bankruptcy because they would have no content to print!

  • Switch to distilled water for a few days. This type of water is like a (good) natural disaster on your body, flooding out excess salt and fluids.
  • Pop ginger root to beat bloat. Gingersnap cookies don’t count! That weird dinosaur in the produce section is what you should be noshing on.

  • Use vinegar as a dressing on your salad or just dump it down your throat. This is the only time acid is good for you!
  • Slow down when you’re hoovering in that extra-large burrito, guac, chips and salsa. It will still be there in five minutes from now, unless your dining companion is Tim “Eater X” Janus.

  • Watch your sodium intake. Sushi may taste good with soy sauce, but the entire bottle is a little much, don’t you think?
  • Take probiotics. Not all bacteria is bad for you!
  • Munch on some parsley or fennel seeds so when you eat those onions, you can ward off a buddha belly and turtle breath.

Celebs (oh yea, and the rest of you too)… if you pay attention to these “rules” and you may just go from;

to…

She may just be a freak though!

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Bogus Baby Food Bods

Will the Baby Food Diet bring you a tight tush sans diaper rash? The answer may have you kicking and screaming!

Thank you for noshing on the premiere episode of the GiGi Eats Celebrities web series! Episodes will come bi-weekly (on Tuesdays… “Tasty Tuesdays”), so be prepared to chow down again March 6th.

Mmm… Scrumptious! GiGi Eats Celebrities!

Head on over to the GiGi Eats Celebrities YouTube channel and subscribe!

Follow GiGi Eats Celebrities on Twitter!

Like GiGi Eats Celebrities on Facebook!

White Candy Only

“Get me four bottles of the priciest champagne, eight packs of Chiclets, but only the pink pieces and nine and a half boxes of peanut butter chocolate filled Twinkies.”

“I’m pretty sure Chiclets have been discontinued. And peanut butter chocolate filled Twinkies? Those don’t exist…”

“Excuse me. Didn’t your resume say you were a magician? You will conjure up some pink Chiclets. And as for the Twinkies, call up the Hostess plant and ask them to make me some peanut butter chocolate filled Twinkies! They better be here in an hour!!”

How about for now I give you a helmet and a mouth guard… so you’re at least slightly protected when I punch you in the face!

It’s been documented all over the Internet and in rag mags how a few of Hollywood‘s “royalty” tend to go a little over the top when it comes to their demands.

Cardboard cut-outs of themselves, a mini petting zoo, a personal physician to inject vitamin B12 into his or her body, drinks to be stirred ONLY counter-clockwise, a brand new toilet seat…

Wait, these things are demanding?

Celebrities are known for their food requests too… but are their selections really worth halting all production at a food plant so as to feed their blimp-sized egos?

Nicki Minaj

12 cans of Red Bull, 3 buckets of chicken wings and Bumble Bee tuna. (No cotton candy?)

Red Bull is a mix of sugar and caffeine, or in other words, the elixir of liver failure. Chicken winging it isn’t terrible, that is unless of course those chicken arms are thrown in a deep-frying hot tub. The only healthy part of her pregnancy like cravings (poor baby) is the tuna, but CLEARLY she doesn’t eat the cat food sans mayonnaise… have you seen her, derriere?!

Marilyn Manson

GIMME MY: Haribo Gummy Bears, absinthe, popcorn and Doritos.

Such colorfully unhealthy foods for such a dark dude. Processed sugars and carbohydrates make up the fuel for this goth’s fire. To add insult in injury, adding absinthe only ignites this unhealthy flame further.

Jordin Sparks

Clif bars, baby carrots, instant oatmeal and a jar of kosher dill pickle spears. (Stick that pickle back in your mouth)

Thumbs up for the baby carrots and dill pickles spears (hey, I love a random spear here or there too) but you may just want to throw the Clif bars off a cliff. They’re full of sugar and other ingredients only scientists know how to pronounce. Oh if that oatmeal is full of sugar, you might as well just stuff your trap with a few glazed donuts. Maybe Krispy Kreme needs a celebrity spokesperson! 

Lady Gaga

Four cans of Coke Zero and a kettle of organic ginger and lemongrass tea. (Give that sandwich to Drake)

Your “bad romance” with Coke Zero really isn’t all that terrible considering it’s calorie free. But miss GUH-GAH, you’re better off switching to plain carbonated water so you can ditch the fake sugar. However, the ginger and lemongrass tea you’re oh so graciously sipping needs no replacements.

Justin Bieber

Swedish Fish, what a disturbing nickname.

Never say never? Eff that! Say NEVER to Swedish Fish. These globs of sweetness in the shape of cute little fishes are worse for you than rocks are for a blender.

Taylor Swift

Grande iced caramel latte with (NOT one or three) two Sweet’N Lows, a grande iced Americano with two Sweet’N Lows and soy milk, and a slice of pumpkin loaf along with chocolate milk and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

The thought of coffee mixed with macaroni and cheese sounds as good as being awake for a colonoscopy. Tay, eating fat infested mac and cheese along with pumpkin loaf won’t sooth your heartbreak… or these days, lonely heart, just like singing won’t either. Coffee on the other hand may lure in a mate because lets face it, who doesn’t love the healthy beverage. The problem is that the ingredients you add turn the beverage into the equivalent of a werewolf on the prowl. (i.e. YOU WANT TO STEER CLEAR!)

Drake

Gotta get me some, bread and cold cuts (no pork or red meat), hot water for tea and lots of alcohol such as, Patron, vodka and Heineken beer.

Would a meat sandwich flavored vodka suffice for this dressing room request? No, that wouldn’t be any healthier, but the list of demands would be a lot shorter. In all seriousness though, cold cuts are iffy, especially if you get the already packaged ones at the grocery store. If you want deli meat, go to the meat counter and have them slice it for you. And if you switch your bread to whole grain, you’ll “thank me later”.

What would you demand in your dressing room?

 

AJEDDEBYWPWV

Pucker Up!

GET

A

ROOM

NOW!!!

Oh celebipoos, it’s sooo great that you have found love (for the next fifteen minutes) but why do you have to flaunt your love affairs for all the world to see. Giving each other some sugar in public is just plain repulsive. So stick your tongues back in your own faces and get yourself to a motel that swanky $2,000 a night Ritz Carlton presidential suite your “loins” are craving!

You know what actually may be worse than catching Janice Dickinson giving some sugar to a man about half her son’s age?

Actually taking the phrase “give me some sugar” literally.

Borrowing a cup of sugar from your neighbor, racing to the coffee shop because YOU NEED THAT triple shot of syrup in your morning brew… sneaking a spoonful of sugar from the pantry when no one is looking… All of these acts are just as bad as seeing Kelsey Grammer topless kissing his lady love.

Sugar, in all of its forms, can trigger processes that could possibly lead to a chronic disease pandemic including liver toxicity.

Why should we care about our livers? Well lets just say they are as important to our functioning bodies as fake tans are to the cast of Jersey Shore.

(Hot damn! Where did you get your hat?)

So while viewing celebrities groping in public may be incredibly disturbing, sucking down sugar may actually be naughtier.

Whoops. Did I just put a damper on your Valentine’s Day? Are you reading this while macerating a disgusting Marshmallow Peep? Well just think about…

Yeah, that’s enough to turn anyone off of sugar… fake boobs, tattoos and… corn row dreadlocks?

That’s Greasy

If you want a smoking hot body like Paris Hilton

Kate Upton

Padma Lakshmi

and Audrina Partridge…

Then perhaps it’s time you put on or go buy your skimpy bathing suit (gentleman, this means nut huggers for you) and submerge yourself into a meaty triple decker tur-por-chick-hamburger with all the fixings. Don’t you dare forget the ketchup!

Thank you Carl’s Jr. for this superb, albeit slightly smelly, diet trick.

In all seriousness though, the only reason why these luscious ladies are giving their burgers the “come-hither” stare is because the aroma of these “bun packages” has them all delusional! Do I smell a burger cologne in the near future?

Considering the average calorie count of a fast food joint’s meat mound is around 900, one would question what’s really in their secret recipes.

Eating burgers with such atrocious nutrition labels, even in the most seductive way possible, will only leave you feeling as sexy as an octopus with a stomach ache.

(“I need some Pepto-Bismol, STAT!”)

And while these “appetizing” ladies may indulge in a burger every so often, they’re more likely to be seen getting down and dirty with a tossed salad than a triple cheese, bacon, heart attacking inducing sloppy mess (Now that’s naughty…)

So if you ACTUALLY DO want a taut bikini body (summer is around the corner even if you see eight feet of snow outside) … Climb your way out of that meaty triple decker tur-por-chick-hamburger.

Oh and you can forget the ketchup.


Tempura Celebrity Roll

UNAGI!

No, I’m not talking about the “state of total awareness,” I’m talking about the gooey, snaky deliciousness your taste buds find when you devour caterpillar rolls, dragon rolls and any other ridiculously absurd eel combinations, sushi chefs smoosh together!

Mmm… How about a roll filled with unagi, yellowtail, salmon, halibut… Okay, maybe I should leave some fish in the ocean!

UNAGI!

Clearly I have an infatuation with this sushi ingredient, but I am certainly not the only one!

The other day I was swimming out of (you are what you eat, right?) a delicious sushi joint and almost got mobbed by eight billion paparazzi… That was until they realized that unless one of the Olsen twins gained a few pounds and decided to wear absolutely no make up and carry around a cheap purse from Target, I was no one

Wow, way to make a girl feel special.

Apparently some… F-list celebrity was noshing at the same joint as me; awesome. Celebrities are always being photographed leaving or entering sushi joints (probably because there are five on every street corner). It’s almost a rite of passage in “celeb-ville”. If you don’t like sushi, you’re not allowed in “the club”.

But is this initiation ritual into “the club” and continued practice healthy?

Well it depends on what you roll yourself into!

Rainbow Roll: 476 calories, 16 grams of fat, 33 grams of protein, 6 grams of fiber, and 50 grams of carbs.

Philadelphia Roll: 290 calories, 12 grams of fat, 14 grams of protein, 2 grams of fiber, and 28 grams of carbs.

California Roll255 calories, 7 grams of fat, 9 g of protein, 6 grams of fiber, and 38 carbs.

Spicy Tuna Roll: 290 calories, 11 grams of fat, 25 grams of protein, 3.5 grams of fiber, and 26 carbs.

Dragon Roll: 520 calories, 18 grams of fat, 17 grams of protein, 4 grams of fiber, and 71 carbs.


Shrimp Tempura Roll:  510 calories, 21 grams of fat, 20 grams of protein, 5 grams of fiber, and 65 carbs.

Stick your eyes back in to your head.

While these numbers may have shocked you, that doesn’t mean you have to cancel your sushi reservation this evening. What you do have to do is practice moderation and order the rolls that don’t have mayo, tempura or cream stuffed in them.

Jonah Hill did just that and have you seen the kid, he went from immature roly-poly in the movie Superbad to sleek… (and dare I say, stud, yeah, I won’t go that far) after filming Moneyball.

So I am off to my favorite sushi joint, who’s with me!

UNAGI!

Pig Skin Dream Team

I’m not sure if you are all aware but… the Super Bowl is this Sunday.

Take a minute to snap out of your shock.

In honor of the chicken wing “man-oliday” (yes, ladies I understand some of you may like watching that pig skin being thrown around, but I am generalizing here), I decided to showcase my own fantasy football team… “celeb-ville” style.

Quarter Back: Madonna (Have you seen her pythons!?)

Wide Receiver: George Clooney (Because he is just such a catch.)

Center: Jenna Jameson (I heard she likes things between her legs!)

Tackle: Vin Diesel (Nuff’ said)

Guard: Britney Spears‘ father, Jamie Spears (Well, he is doing a fabulous job of guarding his daughter!)

Tight End: David Beckham (His latest underwear commercial confirmed his position on the field.)

Full Back: Khloe Kardashian (This position needs someone bigger… and hey, she’s the giant of the Kardashian clan.)

Half Back: Meryl Streep (She is one of the most convincing actresses out there. No doubt that she will be able to pull this role off too!)

Linebacker: Kim Kardashian (Because these sisters always seem to come in pairs, and imagine Kim squatting on the field…)

Kicker: Giselle Bundchen (Even if she can’t kick the ball, her gams will distract the other team!)

Punter: Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser wants to prove that he is not just the school nerd…)

Who would be on your dream team and why?

Oh I am sorry; were you drooling for some healthy tips and tricks to curb you from spiking your diet like the football on the field this Sunday? Well I’ve got your back like a defensive line man! Check it out!