A weekly feast of celebrity diets with a side of fitness trends

Archive for January, 2012

Sloppy Glamour

“So we meet again…”

Ah yes, it’s every celebrities least favorite time of year; the time when they “must” get up close and personal with some brown-ish green concoctions that rival the look of sewage.

Oh how glamorous award season truly is!

Why oh why is guzzling down vomit-like substances the preached “cure” to ridding excess body fat?

Well, because these detox fad diet book covers all seem to scream, “lose 21 in 21,” and “flat abs in minutes”.

And since everyone, even celebrities, cannot resist a quick fix, they seem to fall for these gimmicks and… wind up slurping down glops of pureed who knows what, only to feel as if their stomach is eating their own internal organs because it’s so pissed off that it’s not getting real food.

I hate it break it to you, but you should listen to your cranky stomach and chuck that mushy once orange and now slightly blue lumpy mixture down the garbage disposal (not the drain, you might need a plumber to unclog it… that could have been YOUR THROAT).

Celebrities may publicize their excruciating tactics to fit into their size negative 10 Versace dresses or Dolce & Gabbanna suits but adopting a lot of diet tactics from “celeb-ville” is about as smart as a chicken with it’s head cut off.

So instead of choking down something you might find in a pig’s trough, why not nosh on whole foods like fruits, vegetables and lean protein. Now that’s an award winning concept! 

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Pregnant with a Cheesy Gordita

Hey, check it out, a ticking time bomb.

Jess, question. Did Eric implant a baby elephant in your belly because the way you have been eating has a lot of us very confused and some even a little concerned.

Kiddie cereals, macaroni and cheese, southern fried… EVERYTHING and buttered pop tarts? Your baby sounds like it is training to beat the Black Widow in a food eating competition!

Unless you want to give birth to a baby sumo wrestler, you may want to rethink your dietary choices, although, since you’re so far along in your pregnancy, it may be pointless for you at this point.

Gaining more than 35 pounds during the nine months leading up to the “amazing fiesta” in the delivery room, can lead to numerous problems including hypertension and diabetes. The heavier you get, the larger your baby gets and the more likely you will have deliver the baby via c-section. Scars are so not in Jessica, luckily I am sure you’re team of beauty experts already bought out the department store section of scar erasing lotions!

And even though you signed a deal with Weight Watchers as motivation to sweat off those ice cream and twinkie binges, losing the baby weight is still going to be as grueling as climbing Mt. Everest during Nepal‘s worst blizzard in history.

Now it may sound as if I am attacking you Jess, but I really am not! I am team Simpson ALL THE WAY! I am just concerned for you and your baby’s health. I want you to be as healthy as you possibly can during this time of your life that apparently you have been waiting for since you pretty much popped out of your mother’s womb!

So congratulations Jessica… and Eric, but do you really need to continue to eat enough for a family of ten on Thanksgiving?

Grill the Video

And the award for “doofiest workout video cover” goes to…

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.

“WALK IT OFF WITH GEORGE FOREMAN”!

“Thank you, thank you! I couldn’t have done it without my caked on make up and Jenny, Molly and the rest of the gang’s plastered on smiles and photo-shopped bodies!”

Oh George, this is straight up embarrassing. Did you really OKAY this cover? And who on earth was the wardrobe artist? I certainly hope he or she was black-balled from the stylist realm because those pants hardly scream, “get a tight tushie, stat!” Looks like before he or she was exiled, he or she set out the wardrobe for Heather Locklear‘s “Your Personal Workout”.

While your grills are fabulous and are kitchen staples, your work out videos are most likely staples in… the video store that just went under.

Going beyond the cover, reviews have noted that your work outs are far too easy, marching in place, with a punch here and a jab there. Honestly though, if that’s what we’re looking for, all we have to do is watch a high school pep squad practice.

Oh my, and the music along with your words of encouragement are slightly cringe worthy. Don’t even get me started with your squats. Mesmerizing.

This video series was a good try… I guess (people do need to get up and move, 30 minutes a day, minimum), so thanks for clogging the “infomercial” section of Target with your half-smile and thumbs ups; but how is anyone suppose to get motivated by a guy who doesn’t exactly look trim and fit himself?

Sadly, even though you were a “heavyweight champion,” you didn’t really knock us out with these videos Georgie, can I call you that?

However, your grills are… punch someone out-of-the-way, awesome!

(Must get George Foreman G-Broil Supreme!)

So should you enter “George’s Gym”? You’re better off going to Equinox and pretending you know what you’re doing in the weight room jungle.

Look at that juicy steak strolling along!

Saving Paula

Looks like Ms. Paula D is going to have to climb her way out of that barrel of butter she is oh so famous for residing in. It’s going to be one slippery climb, but “y’all” know if anyone can do it, she certainly can!

Paula, if you’re reading this (because I am sure you “Googled” “Yahooed” yourself after seeing you were one of Yahoo’s top searches the other day)… here is what not to do now that you have diabetes.

1. Resist the urge to stuff your face full of processed junk such as cake, donuts, cookies, chips, crackers and anything deep fried…

2. Don’t make eating the focal point of social gathering (especially when fried chicken is the friend you really want to see). 

3.Butter can no longer be your BFF (this will be a hard break up for you, but I see Mr. Olive Oil over there giving you the suggestive nod).

4. Don’t forget to exercise. A taut tush is attainable! You may even wind up ditching Food Network for… Victoria Secret?

5. If you must drink alcohol, drink one glass with your evening, BALANCED meal… sorry, grilled butter with a side of butter is not the definition of a balanced meal.

6. You can still enjoy cooking but try and find substitutions for foods that are not diabetes friendly. Stewed collard greens instead of creamed spinach. Baked sweet potatoes instead of double deep fried, grits laden French fries.

7. Lastly, set a good example for others. We’re all watching you, and now that your secret is out, we expect you to partake in a healthier lifestyle. Don’t forget that being healthy is just as tasty as deep fried Twinkies.

Golden Arches… No, No, Globes!

Do you feel bad when you’re choking down on some delicious grub while watching celebrities strut their stuff down the red carpet? Yeah, me neither.

These celebrities may look flawless as they flaunt their hard work, thank you squats and naked chicken breasts, but they’re all most likely thinking about belly-flopping into a barrel of butter.

Stacy Keibler

“While I could certainly eat George up with a spoon… I could REALLY go for a huge tub of mango sorbet right now… George, you can jump in if you’d like… two birds, one stone!”

Mila Kunis

“This dress isn’t worth having to forgo Cheez-its and Cheetos for the past two months. Little do all the cameras know… I have a stash under this flowy bad boy! Not just a dress guys… not just a dress.”

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban

NK: “I want some… baby back, baby back, baby back… Chili’s Baby Back Ribs… I want some… Chili’s Baby Back Ribs… WITH BBQ SAUCE!”

KU: “Would you quit squeezing my hand so hard. Yes, I understand you are starving, but you didn’t take the purse that could hold the foot long Subway sandwich, so it’s your own damn fault.”

Emma Stone

“Maybe if I continue to eye flirt with that dude over there, he’ll let me have some of those Pringles. Too bad my dress doesn’t have a leg slit, now that would seal the deal. I can cut my dress right? I mean, it’s just a Lanvin!”

Charlize Theron

“I want some yams.”

Reese Witherspoon

“Fried chicken, coleslaw… Nothing like some re-heated fried chicken at midnight. I hope Jim can read my mind… eff that, I’m a text him!”

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt

AJ: “The kids better come through tonight and eat all the food so Brad doesn’t force feed me when we get home. I mean that’s why I have SIX! If the kids don’t hold up their end of the bargain tonight, I am getting another.”

BP: “My cane rocks. My cane is awesome. Wait… that girl just said I look like an old man with this cane. Hmm… I kind of want a candy cane.”

Sorry Hollywood A-listers (B-listers, C-listers…D-listers), but in order to stay picture perfect this award season, you’re just going to have to ignore your “dirty” thoughts of “naughty” food… 44 more days of dry chicken breast and weird powdery green drinks…

Loin of Celebrity, Please!

The other evening I wandered into the swanky LA hot spot Scarpetta and ordered their seared Dwayne Johnson with a side of Beyonce, George Clooney and Victoria Secret Models. After devouring that delicious combination, I peered over the dessert menu and couldn’t resist ordering Ryan Gosling.

Hey, a girls got to eat!

Beyonce = Butternut Squash

         

Lady Gaga = Cauliflower

         

Victoria Secret Models = Green Beans

         

Lindsey Lohan = Nectarine

         

Adam Sandler = Egg

         

Nicolas Cage = Potato

         

Pamela Anderson = Watermelon

         

Angelina Jolie = Spaghetti

         

Nicole Richie = Smoothie

         

The Rock = Rump Roast

         

George Clooney = Black-Eyed Peas (long shelf life)

         

Ryan Gosling = Honeydew

         

Kevin Federline = Pork

         

What would you order?

Maple Cheese Dill Ketchup Popcorn Pudding

I am on the hunt for some maple cheese dill ketchup popcorn pudding, who’s with me?

I know Selena Gomez is on board and I am pretty sure I can coax Rihanna into grabbing a spoon.

Oh and since Kelly Osbourne has no idea what carbohydrate, protein or fat filled foods are I am sure she would think this snack is acceptable to keep her trim.

Snack time is the part of the day everyone looks forward to, don’t kid yourself, you love food and when your stomach starts growling you turn into a hyena on the prowl or a woman in her eighth month of pregnancy (or Jessica Simpson?).

Check out what a few celebs nosh on when that urge to stuff their faces hits…

♦♦Warning: not all their snacks choices are HEALTHY so don’t even think about following Oprah or Julie Benz to the pantry!

Selena Gomez: Maple Dogs (a corn dog dipped in maple syrup: picture a dog trying to get out of a vat of maple syrup)

Not a good snack idea.

Mike Tyson: Pinkberry Ice Cream (seems like a bit of a girly treat for such a manly man, no?)

Pinkberry prides itself in being a “healthy” treat and while it may be lower in calories than other ice creams, it’s still loaded with sugar.

Kelly Ripa: Think Thin Peanut Butter Protein Bars (with such a ripped bod, maybe these protein bars are worth checking out?)

These bars are essentially zero-sugar Snickers bars. That cannot be tasty AT ALL. Instead mix some unsalted nuts with natural peanut butter.

Kelly Osbourne: Chicken Quesadillas. Apparently she “love[s] the carbs from the cheese.” Clearly she knows her stuff when it comes to nutrition.

Chicken = Good. Quesadilla = Oozing with Unhealthy Fat. Kelly = Not a Nutritionist.

Rihanna: When she is on tour she requests junk food, including noodles, microwave meals, endless chips and snacks and bad stuff. (Does she wish she was a wasted frat boy at 4 am?)

Rihanna is clearly not one to take nutrition advice from either. She would be much better off fueling her body with whole grains and high quality protein. If she continues this habit, her skimpy outfits will look even worse.

Avril Lavigne: Ketchup Chips, Dill Pickle Chips & Steamed Vegetables. (This Bunnie-Hugged Bittie has some interesting taste buds).

Nice work on the steamed vegetables Avril. As for the ketchup chips and dill pickle chips; while I have never heard of such weird snacks, they do sound rather salty. If you want to don the bloated look, by all means, dig in.

Oprah: Garret’s Popcorn. (Is this snack your newest diet endeavor?)

Buy air-popped popcorn and flavor it with herbs and spices. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT indulge in this stuff, one cup leads to five, leads to three more chins.

Kristen Bell: Butterscotch Pudding.

Don’t do a belly flop into a swimming pool filled with butterscotch pudding and then proceed to suck your way out. This pudding will essentially make your ass and stomach look like pudding if you eat too much of it.

Ana Ortiz: Uncle Eddie’s Vegan Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies.

At least these cookies are a little healthier than sucking down one of those over-sized cookies from Subway or Mrs. Fields. But if you decide to inhale the box, you would take in the calories equivalent to a Thanksgiving dinner.

Anne Heche: Red Licorice (out of all the foods in the world, this is what you choose Anne?)

Pure sugar that will have you crashing and burning after about an hour of devouring these red whips.

Julie Benz: Microwave Popcorn with Peanut M&Ms.

Air-popped popcorn is alright, but the peanut m&ms negate anything healthy about this snack. Throw a little dark chocolate into the mix for a bit of a healthier bite.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: Almonds, Carrot Sticks and Fruit.

High five to Emmanuelle for indulging in healthy snacks that will keep her fueled through a long day of filming! Everyone take note!

What to do, what to do when snack time rolls around?

While the vending machine may look enticing, your cubicle mate’s stash of Halloween Candy may look mighty fine (really? It has been almost three months since that horrible “holiday”), and the vanilla-frosted cupcakes your co-worker brought in, just because he or she didn’t make the New Year’s Resolution of losing a few, may be screaming your name, resist them and instead “pull an” Emmanuelle. Bring your own healthy snacks to work or to where ever it is that you go during the day and actually EAT THEM when the urge to splurge hits. 

Hmm… I guess I should rethink my hunt for Maple Cheese Dill Ketchup Popcorn Pudding.