You have all probably seen magazine, online and newspaper headlines boasting predictions about what 2012 may bring. While they’re all starting to get rather annoying, I couldn’t help but succumb to the annual tradition.
So here are my downright intelligent predictions for the diet and fitness trends that are going to BLOW UP in “Celeb-ville” in 2012!
- Treadmills or Stationary Bikes built into Cars (yes celebrities do drive). With all that extra time caught in traffic, why not put the buns to work. Booty buns, not cinnamon buns. Hey, if this actually happens, a lot more jobs will be created because there will be a surplus need for police and EMTs will all the car accidents.
- Another all juice cleanse, because what year has their not been a new exotic fruit discovery? Behold the Brangolosteen!
- The Homer Simpson Diet. All donuts, all the time. More glaze, the better. Dunkin’ Donuts stock is going to go through the roof. BUY! BUY! BUY!
- The Bone Diet. Gnawing on bones is no longer just for dogs! Mmm, bone marrow.
- The High Heel Diet. Sorry guys, you’re going to have to find another diet, unless of course you do rock the pumps! Ladies, listen up. The higher the heel you wear, the more food and more meals you can eat in a day. Example: you rock 4-inch heels, you can eat four foods and eat them four times a day in four-ounce portions! Lady GaGa will certainly be able to eat a ton in 2012!
- Microwaves in your car. Nix that, a stove and oven in your car… because microwave meals are not healthy! Wait, you need to keep your eye on the road so how about Rachel Ray in your car. 30-minute meals just got a whole new meaning.
- Desk-mills. Celebrities don’t work desk jobs, but these days everyone needs to sit at a desk at some point. Sitting = extra ass fat. Walking = a toned badonkadonk!
- The Imagination Diet. Close your eyes and envision sinking your teeth into oozing cheese, a thick buttery, flaky crust, acidic tomato sauce and salty pepperoni. Open your eyes. Are you full? If not, close them and… “eat” more! No food is off limits!
- The Horse Meat Diet. Men, want to look like a stallion? Ladies, want to have long gams like a mare? Well with the ban on slaughtering horses quietly being lifted, horse meat may be found on many personal chef and celebrity infested restaurant menus in 2012. You are what you eat after all. (Hm, if that were the case everyone would have quite the jawline).
- The Spicy Sauna. This doesn’t have anything to do with celebrities getting down and dirty with their significant others in a sweaty sauna, although I am sure that will happen more than a few times this year. Instead this diet entails celebrities to only eat spicy foods in saunas so they can sweat even more, thus lose excess water weight. I see Michelle Williams and Keira Knightley sharing some Chicken Vindaloo at the Four Seasons, Beverly Hills Spa prior to the Oscars this year!
- The Seed Diet. Not all celebrities are carnivores so this diet is catered to the Pam Andersons and Alicia Silverstones of the world. Load your trap full of hemp, flax, sesame, sunflower, chia, poppy and all the other seeds on the market. Guaranteed to make you feel a bit seedy.
Well there you have it, my predictions of what diet and fitness trends may come in 2012! Get ready for a hot pepper shortage, more car accidents, ladies (and maybe some men) wearing EXTRA high heels and meals featuring Black Beauty.
Don’t forget to tune in February 21, 2012 when the real action begins.